Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!
What if I told you that I had 160 ounces of cheap malt liquor in my backpack? Espn films 40 for 40s presents: Edward 40 hands. Our room. 11PM/10 central
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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