i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
