he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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