so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
ARTHUR IS ON FUCKING NETFLIX THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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