I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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