My brain says no but my pants say off.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
final thoughts: i just want someone into choking me out, weed and anime
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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