She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
All I want to do is ice my pussy, but then my husband would probably infer that I was not at a business meeting last night.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize
