Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I am never drinking with the goths again.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
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