im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
What happened to fro yo and sex?
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
i don't like interrupting booty calls. thats just rude.
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