Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Anytime you have a hot, flirty, married woman that wants to ride you like a horse and slap your ass, you've got to do it.
Yeah, but four times?
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
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