i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Randomize
