now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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