And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
i just missed the spain goal because i was puking in the bathroom. damn you open bar.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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