I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
I wish I just waited long enough to hate someone to fuck one
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
Randomize
