I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Don't EVER smell your tampon
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
I wrote him a note at the end of the final. I'm hoping I can flirt my way in to an A or B
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
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