I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.
....this is what your political science major is getting you?
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
Your cock deserves a montage
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
