She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
Me too, I feel like I pinched your nipples excessively. At the time it seemed like a good idea, but in retrospect I'm not so sure.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
