the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
Randomize
