He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
