I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
