The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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