I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
dude i dnt kno how, but i think theres a tampon in my butt
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
No I did a yoga dvd and hit my ex up via email for some pot in exchange for his mail.
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
