I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Hey, met you at the bar last night. You probably dont remember my name. You and your friends came back to my place, you shattered my window with your fist then dipped. Your gonna need to pay for that.
Thats where this cut came from! Thanks for piecing together the puzzle dude.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
