I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
tan lines, throwing up everclear on the beach, doing lifeguards, tequila...summer.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
