Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Yah. I'm gonna lay you down and feed you grapes, except I'm gonna replace grapes for my balls
Randomize