My nipple is on Facebook.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I'll have my TA grade the tests, she needs something to do anyway. Wanna race to the bar on segways?
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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