:( I'm sorry!!!
sexual favors sorry?
absolutely not
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
