YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Well It's time to grow up anyways, right? Now that you're graduated and have a job you can't drink uncontrollably
No. Now that I'm graduated I can drink uncontrollably at nicer bars
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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