I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
