My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
