Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
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