Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
But I aced my quizzes. Apparently flash card beer pong is an acceptable form of studying.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
