I wanna passion pit in your ass
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
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