There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
