life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
