Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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