if you like me you must not know who I am
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
Well anything after a French guy would have been a disappointment. But I'm fairly certain he was just trying to masturbate into me.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
