i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
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