like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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