I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
If you fuck her..... You will be in great danger. Like in so much danger it would be like walking into a pit of crocodiles who haven't eaten and you also just stole their baby.
Randomize