i hope you realize that ur overconfidence only gave me one orgasm out of all the times we had sex. that's like a 1% success rate. u might wanna rethink how amazing you are.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Most people that see those numbers aren't going to realize what they mean and those that do will think 'oh those must be her favorite hockey players' and not 'oh she wants to see those hockey players fuck each other'.
Randomize
