I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
Randomize
