its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
According to last night if you on the sidewalk at 12 a|m\nYour a WHORE !
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
And I'm bringing my coffee cup of wine.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
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