i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
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