So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
