just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
