I'm watching harry potter...good thing I already know I'm gay
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
Randomize