Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
two questions - what stuff of mine was pawned and who has the pawn tickets.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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