I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
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