I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
