you definitely held a convo with a hobo
we have a secret handshake
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Are you 5:30 blackout again?
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
