I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
now i know why i became what i already was.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
Randomize