Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
one two three fourrrrnication!
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
