You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
Randomize
