im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
Randomize
