Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
foreskin is a definite game changer
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Randomize
